Helena Ulinova

Lightning in a bottle If you’ve ever wondered what the Temu brand version of Wednesday Addams looks like, look no further. **New number! Calls preferred. 619 3five4 8six87 Please DO NOT say anything explicit, vulgar, or ask about services or pricing. We all know what's up. If you do I will need to block you and be unable to see you. This line is strictly for scheduling and witty banter, in that order. Now...back to my fucking HILARIOUS monologue after that abrupt and oddly placed PSA... (It's so my tagline isn't a PSA about my phone number and stupid shit not to do) I’ve been told I look like I haunt my own house, which honestly tracks given my vibe. I’m a creature of deep contrasts: I have never once attended a meditation class that I didn't immediately fall asleep in, yet I spend the absolute rest of my day pretending people just need to be as Zen as I am. As Karl Marx once famously said, "Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!" Although in my case, those chains are mostly just the societal expectations to stay awake during a sound bath. ​When I’m not actively channeling inner peace via a nap, you can usually find me looking for a sparring partner. I am fully prepared to debate anyone who will engage me on whether or not JFK technically died in a workplace accident. My sense of humor leans heavily toward sarcasm, dry wit, and, naturally, laughing at my own jokes. ​My personal heroes list is topped exclusively by Raygun, the 2024 Olympic breakdancer. She taught us that anyone can at least *attempt* to do anything. As for a dream guest list of people I’d actually like to meet, it begins and ends with Gary Busey, Elvira, and John Waters. I am one of a handful of providers who isn't in this industry solely for the money or out of desperation. I love and enjoy this type of work as it scratches an itch for me that nothing else ever could. I love getting to know new people, forming intimate connections with someone who was just